I’m not going to lie. I am boy crazy. Skater boys, IRISH boys, boys with no armpit hair, boys who think “sexting” is cool, boys who are more than a vagina than me. I have always been in relationships since my first boyfriend and for the first time in 7 years I am finally single. Let me tell you. It’s everything I thought and want it to be. There is never a dull moment with these retards I meet and I always seem to get myself in situations where I am kicking myself in the crotch because they are so absurd. Lets face it- alcohol is a hell of a drug and I make bad decisions.
Recently, my manager raped my mouth with his huge, weird-colored tongue. I was mortified. Most importantly, it was sooooo awkward. I work with this dude. He’s my boss. He has a cougar girlfriend of 3 years, who by the way, he lives with. He’s 25 and has only been with 5 girls. Don’t get me wrong, 5 is not a bad number. I just like men with some experience. He has this real goofy feel to him. He’s a big guy with a hunchback with too much body hair. He makes bad jokes. He has a bad laugh. Worst of all, he’s Italian. You ready for it… heres the but… But. He is super nice and listens to good music. And it is very apparent to our coworkers that he has a boner for me, at least thats what I thought. He called me in into the office to talk to me. My heart sank. I knew he wanted to talk about the other night. I go into the office and immediately started playing with whatever I can get my hands on. We never make eye contact. He starts to say in the most monotone, premeditated voice; ‘so ah, I’d like to apologize for the other night…’ He explains himself, blah, blah, blah. I say ‘dude, I’m over it.’ Done right??! Yay! Let me out of this small office. No. He proceeds to talk more. Apparently I am the apple of his eye and that that cougar bitch of his and this great paying job he has is worth giving up to be with me. Wha happen? Sweet. Now I am more uncomfortable than the night you jammed your over-sized tongue in my throat. Now everyday I come into work I am going to cringe when I catch you staring at me. Sweet. The human version of shrek, out of all the boys I’ve been talking to, is the one who confesses his love for me. Sweet.
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